[tconnor]

Relationship Advice #140
Connecting

I have a philosophy that says that each relationship has three parts: The you in the relationship, the other person in the relationship and the other “us” or the combination of you and your partner coming together - and the relationship that is created when you and your partner are connecting spiritually.

Who is this other “us”? Is it just the combination of the traits, attitudes, beliefs etc. of each person in a relationship coming together and relating to create a new dynamic or is it much more?

I have discovered during my relationship history that each of us brings many parts of ‘us’ to every relationship and every relationship issue. Some of these parts can be positive while others are negative, nurturing, loving, controlling, ego centered, supportive and so on. When these various parts in every relationship come together - each day, event, situation and outcome can vary depending on the combination of the factors of “you” and “your partner” that are in control or on the surface.

For example, let’s say that you are returning home after a movie. You liked it and your partner didn’t. Your discussion now focuses on why you liked and he/she didn’t. You each bring different parts of ‘you’ into this discussion. What is triggered for you are all the positive reasons, memories, thoughts, feelings, whatever, that were brought to the surface because of the experience. Your partner also brings many emotions, attitudes feelings etc. to the surface, but they may be more negative than positive. This movie experience that the two of you shared creates a one time ‘unique’ new ‘us’ as a result of the tremendous number of possibilities of reactions/feelings/attitudes. This other ‘us’ now takes on a life of its own contributing to each of your growing reactions/responses.

Consider - what if you both liked the movie? Would the same other ‘us’ be created? No, because your sharing would bring an entire new set of emotions, feelings to the surface. Every day and every minute in every relationship there are new ‘us’s’ constantly surfacing and being created

Every relationship has times when the people in it really connect and times when there is complete dis-connect. This doesn’t mean that you can’t get along during these dis-connecting times only that you need to be aware of what or how the other ‘us’ is influencing the outcome.

The key is to understand each new ‘us’ as it enters the relationship so that your overall relationship can grow spiritually as well as emotionally and physically.