Talking Stick

[tconnor]

Relationship Advice #72
Talking Stick

There are a number of Native American traditions that I have been interested in for several years. One of them is the use of a Talking Stick. I have been looking for one for quite some time that I could use in my relationship seminars to illustrate this concept. On a recent tour of Alaska I ran across one that fit the bill.

By now I am sure many of you are wondering, what is a Talking Stick anyway?
I don’t have the space here to go into the origination of the tradition. I only want to illustrate its use. By the way you can use any symbol for a talking stick.

One of the problems in relationships is the issue of communication, specifically, people interrupting others while they are talking. When you interrupt someone you are saying: you don’t matter, your ideas are not important, I am not listening to you, I don’t care about what you are saying etc. None of these contribute to open honest communication and relationships.

Enter, the Talking Stick. Let’s say two people are having a discussion of any kind – pleasant or otherwise. Person A begins sharing their thoughts or ideas and they have the Talking Stick. Person B can not say a word, not a word until Person A surrenders the stick. Person B can’t grab it, steal it, ask for it, nothing. They wait and listen. When person A is finished with their opinion, idea or thought they then pass the stick to person B. The same rules apply for Person A that were applicable for Person B. Person A can not talk, not a word until Person B surrenders the stick voluntarily to Person A. Get it?

What is the point of this stick anyway? Well use your imagination for just a minute. What would the use of this stick do for people’s willingness to listen? To the quality of the communication? The validation of the other person by sending the message that I care about what you feel, believe or think.

This simple device can be used just as easily in a business setting such as a meeting as it can in a personal discussion. I have witnessed any number of business meetings where communication does not take place because people are more interested in what they are going to say rather than what the other person is saying.

If you want to improve the quality of your listening, communication and relationships I recommend you consider using this wonderful little device. A talking stick can be a toy, stick from a tree in your yard, one you made, even a spoon. Granted some of these are not as glamorous as one carved in stone from a tribe in the center of Alaska, but it’s the symbolism that matters not the implement.