Private Lives

[tconnor]

Relationship Advice #144
Private Lives

Everyone has a private life, that side of you who no one, but you knows. Each of us has at least some of the following:

• people we know that our partner is unaware of
• thoughts we hold that we don’t share for any number of reasons
• feelings we experience we keep to ourselves rather than share
• relationships with others that we do not share all of the details with our partner
• experiences we have that we never divulge for fear of - something
• desires we have we are afraid to explain
• fears we know that we are afraid to admit
• worry’s we feel that we are unwilling to talk about
• activities we participate in that we never discuss
• habits we have that we are unwilling to admit

This private side of us lives in our own consciousness. Sometimes when the relationship is totally safe we may step gingerly out into this public world with our partner sharing our private selves hoping that we will not be judged, criticized, invalidated or condemned by him/her. Other times ‘there is no way’ we would share what is in our private lives with our him/her for any number of reasons. Here are a few to think about.

1. Fear of retribution
2. The desire on your part to keep this stuff private
3. You don’t think your partner can handle it
4. You don’t believe your partner could/would accept it
5. You believe they would feel you are not capable of it – it isn’t you
6. You feel it would lead to their mistrust/misunderstanding of you
7. It is too shameful to admit to anyone let alone your partner
8. You are too insecure to discuss it
9. You know it would lead to conflict
10. 1It could even end the relationship

A key question to consider is - do you have more going on in your private life than in your public life that you share with your partner? Been there folks and I’ll tell you it can be very stressful, frustrating and often even painful. I am not suggesting that you give up your private life – any or all of it. I am asking you to consider how healthy do you think a relationship can be if there is more to the private side of you than the public side as far as your partner is concerned?