Intent vs. Behavior

[tconnor]

Relationship Advice #177
Intent vs. Behavior

Everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment given their awareness, skills, attitudes, experience and knowledge. If this is true why does some people’s behavior affect us the way it does? There are a number of reasons:

1. We have expectations of them.
2. We have our own “stuff” (psychological and emotional issues that are unresolved) that we are dealing with.
3. We have more or less of a history with the person. (Some of it positive and some of it negative.)
4. We have an erroneous definition of what another person's faults are.
5. We are masters at projection and mirroring.
6. We don’t take the responsibility for our contribution to the problem or issue.
7. We have personal or emotional blind-spots.
8. We are unwilling or unable to see the other person as a teacher for us, giving us the opportunity to learn more about ourselves.
9. We are stuck in our own personal prejudices or judgments.
10. We are in a state of mind where we are unwilling to grow, change or develop.

If there is an inconsistency between a persons behavior or actions and their words, their behavior will always be a more accurate reflection of where they are in their consciousness than the words they speak. The reason for this is that words are a conscious act and behavior is generally an unconscious act. Note, I said generally. Many people consciously behave in certain ways because they are trying to send a message to the other person.

They may say, “I love you” for example, but their behavior or actions are totally contradictory to the words they are choosing to use.

How can you know what a person’s real intent is? You must pay close attention to all of the subtle as well as more evident non-verbal signals they use. Sometimes it does no good whatsoever to ask them how they really feel, what they truly believe or what they are really asking of you because if they wanted you to really know they would be telling you the truth (sending congruent non-verbal and verbal messages) in the first place. I am not much of a television watcher but several months ago while flipping through the channels, (I have a male reputation to live up to) I stopped for a few minutes to an evening sitcom. The wife was saying, “what are you thinking?” The husband responded, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking I would be talking.” (Not necessarily true. He was communicating to her, he just wasn't using words)

Real intent is at the core of all conscious behavior. We may do our best to mask our true feelings, attitudes or issues but sooner or later our behavior will give us away (only however, if the other person is paying close attention to all of the signals.

The problem is that most people give more credence to the words that are used and less to the emotions, feelings and other various non-verbal clues sent.

It takes a real, vulnerable, safe, open and honest relationship that is free of judgment, criticism and retribution to always know what the other person's real intent is.

Learn to stay focused in the present, resist the tendency to look for what you want to see, hope is there or to even worse pretend you don’t really see obvious signals that even the village idiot would catch. Getting broad-sided in a relationship is never an accident or should never be a surprise for the other person. If it is, they weren’t paying attention all along.