Microscope or Telescope

[tconnor]

Relationship Advice #198
Microscope or Telescope

When girl meets boy, and they begin a new relationship with each other, they tend to look at their partner through a telescope. They tend only to see those qualities, traits, habits and behaviors that they want to see or they find acceptable or attractive. For a number of reasons they fail to observe, recognize or see early signals relative to those qualities and behaviors that they don’t like, find offensive feel need to be changed or want to see.

When a relationship is failing, the same boy and girl tend to only see each other's behavior through a microscope – micro-managing every perceived trait, attitude, quality or idiosyncrasy. It is almost as if they are looking for stuff not to like or to disagree with.

This simple illustration, both the relationships that are beginning and those that are failing, will repeat themselves millions of times every day.

Why do people fail to see the other person clearly in a new relationship and why do they lose tolerance of even the simplest behavior in a relationship that is headed for trouble?

There are six concepts that impact all relationships. They are:

• People only change when they feel a need to do so.
• People are always changing.
• Relationships are dynamic and evolving.
• People did not come into this world with the sole purpose of satisfying their partner's expectations.
• All of life is a perceptual experience. No one will ever see anything exactly as their partner.
• No one is ever wrong about anything. They just are or see things differently.

There are others, but let’s save them for a future tip.

Most people in a new relationship put their best foot forward. They want to make a favorable impression on the other person. However, sooner or later, the masks come off and the REAL person will show himself/herself. This often happens early in a relationship in subtle ways, giving the other person a quick glimpse into who the other person really is - but they have keep paying attention and be constantly observant of these behaviors so they can decide intelligently rather than emotionally whether they can accept or live with them or not.

In order to not feel that you have been broad-sided by new behavior of the other person, it is critical that you observe carefully both what is said and what is not said between the lines, what the person does, as well as what they don’t do, and how they behave in different circumstances or situations, as well as how they don’t behave.

There are always clues. Not to see them, or to see them and hope they are only temporary, is to be naïve. To believe he/she will change them with time is to live in fantasyland.

One of the best recommendations I can make two people in a new relationship is to pay attention to early signals – both the ones given consciously and the ones that appear to be hidden or unconscious.

We are all capable of changing behavior, but we don’t do it because our partner wants us to or thinks we should. We change when we are ready and not before. To believe that your partner will change according to your wishes is to assume that your behavior, attitudes, life outlook or whatever is either right or better than his/hers is. If you get a wake-up call in your relationship with behavior from your partner that seems to be uncharacteristic it is because you were not paying attention. So wake up.

My final thought:
All relationships are either getting better or getting worse. If your relationship is not getting better, guess what? Relationships that are getting worse can get better but it takes work and that work is learning to accept your partner for who he or she is and not who you believe he or she should become.