Emotional Maturity

[tconnor]

Relationship Advice #200
Emotional Maturity

I am not a psychologist. I am not an expert on behavior. Now that we have that out of the way I can freely give you my opinion on what I believe is one of the critical factors today in ALL business and personal relationships.

Every relationship has its emotional ups and downs. These are caused by any number of emotional issues. Some of the emotions that can be evident in any relationship are: blame, anger, resentment, jealousy, happiness, joy, fear, guilt, emotional games, sadness, grief, pain, disappointment, unrealized expectations, cheerfulness and numerous others too many to list.

When I speak of emotional immaturity I am referring to inappropriate emotions given a certain activity, situation, or circumstance. For example, carrying resentment around for several years after the cause of the resentment isn’t healthy either physically or for the relationship makes little sense. Blaming your partner for a particular action or inaction when they are just doing the best they can at any given time with what they have; learned, know, feel or believe is to invite a breakdown in communication and intimacy.

Not being sensitive to your partners negative emotional state due to a situation in their career or life is to send a message that you are emotionally distant from their needs, desires or feelings.

There is a difference between detachment and disengagement. Detachment is when I am not responsible for how you feel. I am not responsible for your outcomes, attitudes or the consequences of your actions. When I detach from your stuff, I let you grow and learn what life wants you to learn from your errors in judgment, mistakes and actions. I am there to support you, help you where you feel I can help but you must do the growth work alone.

Disengagement is where not only do I detach, but I don’t care what is happening to you or why.

Detachment helps others grow, disengagement puts distance between you and your partner.

Emotional maturity is bringing the right amount of emotional support, connection or outlook to any situation. It is seeing clearly that this STUFF, whatever it may be, is in your life and mine to help us grow. Each of us can contribute to the growth of our partner or we can sabotage it. We sabotage it when we play emotional games and stay stuck in negative emotional manipulation. We help them when we help them see clearly how their emotional state, decisions, choices or actions have contributed to their situation or how it keeps them stuck in the past or in negative issues.

The next time you and your partner or fellow employee have a disagreement stop and ask yourself, "Why am I upset? What is it about their words or actions is getting to me? Why am I giving them power over my behavior?


My final thought for the week
Few people are in control of all of their emotions hour by hour, day in and day out. Sooner or later someone pushes our buttons or says or does something that causes a certain reaction. I suggest you take a quality pause between the stimulus of their words or action and your response. Stop for just a few seconds before being drawn into their stuff and ask yourself a few critical questions.