Compromising

[tconnor]

Relationship Tip #186
Compromising

Every relationship if it is to survive for the long term will eventually require that both partners be willing to be flexible and compromise from time to time or even every day. Stubbornness, an unwillingness to adjust, modify or give in or an inability to see issues and circumstances from the other person’s perspective is a major source of conflict in every relationship. Often this conflict can lead to deeper and more negative feelings and hidden agendas if they are not dealt with openly and constructively. Ignoring these feelings can over time erode respect, love and even liking the other person and can become a source of major relationship strife.

I am not suggesting here that one party should always be the one to compromise. If this compromising is to work successfully in a relationship and lead to intimacy, trust, respect and a nurturing environment both people must learn a positive strategy for – give and take.

There is a great book called, His Needs, her Needs. In it the author discusses the all too common issue of an unequal amount of giving and taking in relationships. He stresses that unless each partner is aware of their partner's desires, issues, wants, needs, fears, dreams, hopes, frustrations etc. that eventually resentment will settle in as one of the dominant attitudes in the relationship. Unfortunately these situations can eventually lead to a broken relationship if the differences and dynamics are not managed in a positive and constructive way.

In the book Givers and Takers the author discusses how these differences are often unique to certain types of people. Givers are usually more willing to satisfy their partners needs or desires if they are reasonable and not invalidating. Takers on the other hand have higher expectations that their partner SHOULD meet their every whim at snap of a finger. I am sure you can see when you put a giver in a relationship with a taker that both will sooner or later find the relationship stressful.

Actually over time - the givers tend to eventually resent their –taker- partners and vice versa.

Takers tend to do little compromising. Givers tend to do most of the giving-in while attempting to satisfy the needs of their partner as well as themselves. This often leads to frustration for both parties.

Are you a giver or a taker? Is your partner a giver or a taker?

One way to find out is to keep a log or journal of how many times you tend to give in or get what you want. Each of us has needs. Each of us has wants and desires from the relationship and each other. To the degree that your needs and wants are being satisfied either – emotionally, physically or spiritually you will feel you have a positive relationship. If on the other hand you believe you are doing more than your share of the giving you may feel taken advantage of or for granted.

No relationship will ever be equal in the compromising or giving and taking. It is impossible. I am not suggesting that you keep score indefinitely. Only that you determine where your relationship is out of balance and begin a dialog with your partner about this important issue.